The Summer of my Discontent


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Most people are sad to see the Summer come to an end. Me? I’m just generally moping. I can’t call the Summer a total waste, I did do a lot to improve my personal financial situation, and I might be in the best physical condition that I’ve been in since high school. These are great things, but they literally may have taken two hours out of any given day, leaving 22 hours that were mostly wasted away this year. I’m already not much of a hot weather person, but this year was kind of just a dud.

To be honest, I just didn’t feel like being bothered. I often ignored friends, career, and even fun to just be left alone. I didn’t answer the phone sometimes even when it was near enough to do so, I declined to go places, and even just put off doing things I actually needed to do. Just know that if I didn’t answer you, or seemed disengaged, it definitely wasn’t you, it was me. This “slump” in life of sorts could really come out of a variety of different issues, but I think it’s a general response to taking stock of my life. My life had purpose when I was a kid, and that purpose carried all the way over to high school, at the end of which I had a similar moment of “fog.” Then my purpose became graduating college and working on the 2008 Presidential campaign, and it happened for me. Since then my purpose has kind of been the next job, and occasionally short-term goals like winning myself an election or getting into better shape. All of that gave me something to get fired up over, and that’s really about all I needed. Right now I feel purpose-less, things were supposed to be different right now. Things are off the plan.

I guess I didn’t quite see things being where they are career wise. Maybe I didn’t see things being where they are personal life wise. You have your ideals, and if they run up against the “norms” that exist in this world, they are hard to hold up. I was going to be way different than my friends, my family, people I knew, and I just knew it. Then I woke up as a 32 year old this Summer, and I had the same bills and “must’s” as everyone else, but not the same “life” carved out. No house, kids, wife, or white-picket fence, all things I’ve always not wanted. I have achievements, i’ve done some great things as an adult, but as with anything, I’ve had to take the good with the bad on several occasions. I’m a ruggedly individualistic person, and I’m not saying I want the faux security of the fairy tale life, but you are left to wonder what you actually have at some point. Living “forever young,” and always chasing the dreams of self leave you sitting in the same places, facing the same challenges, many times over. That can be quite tiring.

I guess my main point is that I realized this Summer that I have no current purpose. Much like the ageless question the press asks every Presidential candidate, “why do you want to be President?,” I’m facing “why do you want to be different?” Or more specifically, what the hell is my point? I’m fighting that a bit right now. Life doesn’t look like the ideal that I had in mind. So, if I don’t like that, what do I like? I hope I find the answer soon, because I’m looking hard.

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